But, as I have alluded to before on this blog, I also suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder. And for that, I have found, over the course of many years, that I need medication.
Today, I thought of all the things I did this morning that I can easily and pleasurably do now that I have been back on medication for 18 months (for the sake of a hypothetical baby that I never got pregnant with because I felt so dreadfully bad, I had taken an 18-month hiatus after 10 years on medication):
1. I got up leisurely, feeling a bit tired, but not like the whole day would suck.
2. I did not have to immediately rush to the bathroom to have nervous diarrhea first thing in the morning. Rise and shine!
3. I ate breakfast without feeling nauseous. I enjoyed my Shredded Frosted Mini-Wheats.
4. I drove to the local shopping center without checking my rear and side mirrors every minute for stray pedestrians who might throw themselves at my car.
5. I was not bothered by shadows or bright morning sunlight that make certain areas of the road less visible than others, and from which bicyclists and pedestrians might emerge unexpectedly...and throw themselves at my car.
6. I made a purchase at CVS without checking to see if the checker's hands had cuts or using my anti-bacterial soap immediately after the transaction.
7. I attended a pilates class on gym equipment used by other people. I did not immediately change or wash my clothes upon my return home. I'm typing this very blog in my workout clothes!
8. If the need had arisen, I would've used a public bathroom without hesitation and without re-envisioning, for the next hour or so, the whole trip to said bathroom and everything I might have touched.
9. I stopped at PetCo without thinking of fleas.
10. I'm excited for my hair appointment later. Now, I can go to salons, where other people have had their hair washed, too. Hell, I could even get a manicure if I felt like it!
I know, you're thinking, Wow, way to live life on the edge, Diane. But what I love about being on medication is that now I do things that other people can do without a second thought but which used to be a major project and stress for me. And it was frustrating because I wanted to do those things but felt like I couldn't.
One of the common misconceptions about medication is that it will change your personality and make you someone you're not. I wish I could tell everyone who, despite their intense suffering, staunchly refuses medication, that medication allows you to actually be more yourself. When I went on medication the first time, I found that I could study more and read more and write more because I wasn't constantly distracted by irrational and unwelcome thoughts that, for example, I would catch AIDS and die. My fear that medication would make me a less focused scholar turned out to be completely unfounded; instead, I could actually focus on the things that interested me instead of on the obsessions and compulsions.
Creative people often think they'll be turned into zombies by medication. While this deadening of the senses is a risk with some medications for more serious disorders, medications now are a lot better than they used to be for those disorders, and the goal of the mental health profession nowadays is not to just sedate you into compliance. I have found that, with a selective serotonin reputake inhibitor (SSRI), I'm able to read and write more and be more fully present in my teaching and connect with my students now that my mind is not constantly distracted and exhausted by worry. I still have the same morals and values that I had before medication. Medication hasn't changed my personality; rather it has allowed my real personality to come through.
You know how you're cranky and antisocial and exhausted when you have a cold? Even though it's "natural" to catch a cold every now and then, you want to have as few as possible. Your having-a-cold self is not your "real" self. You are no less of a good or strong person if you take a Day-Quil to stop your nose from running while you make dinner. When I had untreated, undiagnosed OCD, I felt like I always had a cold. I felt a fog in my brain that made me withdrawn and disconnected from others.
I was born with a lack of serotonin and some other chemicals that keep my thoughts flowing. If I were born with a body that didn't produce insulin or some other chemical, no one would suggest that I "tough it out" without medication. Or suggest that it was my fault that I was not controlling the disease "naturally." Maybe it makes some people feel like they're in control when they refuse to medicate mental illnesses; but for me, it just made me feel like a failure. I wanted to do things I saw other people doing and which I thought I should be able to do, but I couldn't. Also, I knew I wasn't effectively hiding my disorder, despite my efforts to do so. I always knew I was different, and I knew other people knew it too.
There are different degrees of severity in mental illness. While some people may be able to keep it under control by taking supplements, drinking herbal teas, giving up meat/dairy/wheat/etc., or doing therapy alone, not everyone can. To use the diabetes analogy, some people control it with diet and exercise, some take pills, but some others have to inject insulin.
Please don't tell me to run farther and stop having chocolate so I can "get off my medication." It just makes me feel like I didn't try everything, do everything, make every effort to fix the problem "on my own" without "relying" on medication.
Don't get me wrong; the medication doesn't get rid of all my symptoms, but it does make them manageable. Also, I could certainly do without medication's side effects, like weight gain, dry mouth, and fatigue. But I'll take all of these any day over that feeling of not wanting to leave my house.
Don't get me wrong; the medication doesn't get rid of all my symptoms, but it does make them manageable. Also, I could certainly do without medication's side effects, like weight gain, dry mouth, and fatigue. But I'll take all of these any day over that feeling of not wanting to leave my house.
I take medication. I'm me. And I love pilates, poetry, and professor-ing!
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